Hooray. Today is Super fucking Tuesday or whatever. Truth is, calling a date during which state parties in 11 states vote “Super Tuesday” is like calling the Wild Card Round of the NFL playoffs the “Super Bowl(s?).” Whatever.
I mean, at this point, this whole fucking 2016 cycle is pictured below:
Or, more eloquently:
If you’re anything like the V+V fam, you’re probably going to want to have some dranks as results come in from these primary elections and caucuses. Like, probably a whole lot of dranks. Ted Cruz is going to be saying words on national television. Marco Rubio’s going to make fun of Donald Trump or something probably. Donald Trump is probably going to win a whole bunch of states now that he’s probably had a day to research what that KKK is all about. Clinton and Sanders might win some votes and yell about Wall Street. John Kasich is going to have a sad. Ben Carson is going to fly to Florida for a new pair of pants.
So what should you drink? Here are three options below, a high-end version, a middle-of-the-road option, and a low-end version (/bumps Low End Theory).
Here’s your high-end cocktail, Mr/Ms Wall Street Billionaire 99%er:
2 oz. Martell Cohiba XO cognac (or whatever brand you prefer, as you know more about good cognac than I do)
Cube of sugar
3 dashes Peychaud’s bitters
2 dashes Angostura bitters
Splash of Vieux Pontarlier or your favorite absinthe if it’s somehow better
Lemon or orange peel
Mix however you feel like it, because You Built It.
What you got there is a perfectly nice Sazerac, well, what used to be a Sazerac before the phylloxera epidemic wiped out all the French wine and therefore all the brandy in New Orleans. See, you’re Making America Great Again.
You in the middle-of-the-road? You one of those “centrists” or whatever people who don’t think much about it and really don’t give a fuck either way? Well, here you go:
Drink it. Have another.
Oh, so you’re actually feeling pretty dejected and not at all high-end (ie. poor and/or sad). Here’s your cocktail recipe:
Alcohol (you know what kind you like, or what is on sale)
Mix however you feel like, because fuck it.