Because rest in peace, Phife Dawg.
AJJ used to be named Andrew Jackson Jihad. Not anymore though.
Often overshadowed by LBJ’s infamous “Daisy” ad, “Confessions of a Republican” is great mostly because it’s so weird. It’s also really long—four minutes and change. I haven’t been able to figure out when exactly it aired, or how really, because four-minute ad breaks aren’t particularly common even now (and TV commercial breaks have stretched drastically in recent years).
In the ad, an actor (although the ad doesn’t say as much) talks about how he’s always been a Republican, but the party’s candidate that year, Sen. Goldwater, is too extreme for his comfort. Sure, this is mostly an artifact of the era during which party affiliation was determined more by lineage than political ideology. He goes on to light a cigarette (!) and say that if the KKK is supporting the candidate, either they’re not a Republican or he isn’t. Anyway it’s a fun ad to watch, so enjoy.
Well, today saw both Willard and Drumpf give dueling addresses, but, hey, here are some other things to keep you occupied:
The Syrian government announced that the entire country was without electricity on Thursday.
After European Balkan states closed their borders to Middle Eastern migrants, tens of thousands are stuck in Greece, further straining both the country’s economy and its relationship with the European Union.
Retired U.S. soccer star Brandi Chastain said that she will donate her brain for concussion research.
El Chapo is trying to get extradited to the U.S. more quickly hoping for better prison conditions.
Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is urging world leaders to depend more on government spending and less on monetary policy to grow their economies.
Hooray. Today is Super fucking Tuesday or whatever. Truth is, calling a date during which state parties in 11 states vote “Super Tuesday” is like calling the Wild Card Round of the NFL playoffs the “Super Bowl(s?).” Whatever.
I mean, at this point, this whole fucking 2016 cycle is pictured below:
Or, more eloquently:
If you’re anything like the V+V fam, you’re probably going to want to have some dranks as results come in from these primary elections and caucuses. Like, probably a whole lot of dranks. Ted Cruz is going to be saying words on national television. Marco Rubio’s going to make fun of Donald Trump or something probably. Donald Trump is probably going to win a whole bunch of states now that he’s probably had a day to research what that KKK is all about. Clinton and Sanders might win some votes and yell about Wall Street. John Kasich is going to have a sad. Ben Carson is going to fly to Florida for a new pair of pants.
So what should you drink? Here are three options below, a high-end version, a middle-of-the-road option, and a low-end version (/bumps Low End Theory).
Here’s your high-end cocktail, Mr/Ms Wall Street Billionaire 99%er:
2 oz. Martell Cohiba XO cognac (or whatever brand you prefer, as you know more about good cognac than I do)
Cube of sugar
3 dashes Peychaud’s bitters
2 dashes Angostura bitters
Splash of Vieux Pontarlier or your favorite absinthe if it’s somehow better
Lemon or orange peel
Mix however you feel like it, because You Built It.
What you got there is a perfectly nice Sazerac, well, what used to be a Sazerac before the phylloxera epidemic wiped out all the French wine and therefore all the brandy in New Orleans. See, you’re Making America Great Again.
You in the middle-of-the-road? You one of those “centrists” or whatever people who don’t think much about it and really don’t give a fuck either way? Well, here you go:
Drink it. Have another.
Oh, so you’re actually feeling pretty dejected and not at all high-end (ie. poor and/or sad). Here’s your cocktail recipe:
Alcohol (you know what kind you like, or what is on sale)
Mix however you feel like, because fuck it.