Five Things to Know About the World Cup

Yesterday, good friend and former V+V contributor Jack Burden took to The Social Network™ and shared wahurd’s outstanding World Cup coverage with a note “World Cup discussion for Americans beyond the “5 things to know about the World Cup” garbage.”

Challenge accepted, B.

1. There are a bunch of countries playing in the World Cup

Like, seriously, a whole bunch. Like, more than 10. That’s a lot! Did you see yesterday that they even let Iran play? That’s crazy! Okay, so it isn’t “countries” that “play” in the World Cup (that would be insane!) , but teams of people made out of players that “represent” their home countries. Each team even has a bunch of people—more people than are on the field at any given time! But, seriously, they let in a lot of countries.

2. The U.S. hasn’t always been amazing at soccer

I know this is going to surprise the shit out of you, but for a little bit of time, the U.S. Men’s National Team wasn’t as good at soccer as other countries. I know, right (interrobang)!? They were pretty good at the 1950 World Cup (Truman was president!), but didn’t make the World Cup again until—wait for it—1990. That’s a bunch of time that the U.S. Men’s National Team wasn’t as good at soccer as other countries.

3. Women have a World Cup too

Now, hold onto your knickers, but there’s a World Cup for women too. It’s not the same World Cup, you idiot, it’s one just for women. You see, just like men soccer players, women soccer players play in a tournament that ends with a world champion. Yes, you heard that: lady soccer players. And, I’ll tell you what, it’s arguably a more exciting game, but don’t tell anybody I said that. Also: the U.S. is really good at it (boo Japan!).

4. Some countries call it “football”

This might have confused you, and still might, but some countries call soccer “football.” I know, you’re thinking “WTF, man, football is played by bad-ass motherfuckers with an oval pigskin ball.” Sure, you’d be right. Other countries are just kind of weird, man. Rest assured, though, that Australians also call it soccer (not sure what the fuck is going on with those wacky symbols in Russia, but whatever, commies). Brazilians go with futbol, but if it makes it any easier for you, they’re pronounced kind of the same. And, if some asshole says “it’s called football, jerk,” just say this is America: we take the elevator, use a flashlight, and eat the fuck out of some cookies here.

5. The World Cup is on TV

This may surprise you, because usually soccer isn’t on your television, but this year’s World Cup is being broadcast on television. Not even just cable: real networks too! You see, this is because soccer is actually very popular with some kinds of people, and all these illegal immigrants everywhere are those kinds of people, and you know this country is all filled up now to the brim with illegal immigrants. So, of course ESPN and Univision have been taken over by them and showing the matches. ABC’s in on the action too. You can even. watch. them. on. line. Yeah, the Internet. There goes the neighborhood.

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